I don't really know how to start this blog. Until now I've purposefully avoided writing anything about feminism and women's rights – not because I don't believe in them, but because I'm constantly educating myself about the many, complex issues that exist in these spaces and still navigating how I feel about them as a young woman myself.
But much like many other women in the wake of #MeToo and the constant stream of reportage on high profile sexual assault cases... I've had enough.
I'm only 25, and I already have far too many female friends who have been victims of sexual assault. Every single female I know has been subject to some form of sexual harassment over the years – whether she realised it was this or not.
I myself have grown up with this too. In a weird space where it's become embarrassingly normal for men you pass by in the street to comment on your appearance, directly to your face, in a lewd manner. I too have grown up with the cultural conditioning that it's just normal for a group of builders to shout "Nice legs" at you, or a passer-by to tell you exactly which sexual acts he would like to perform on you. Where it's not uncommon for a stranger in a busy bar or club to touch you in a crowd, somewhere you don't want to be touched, and you're too frightened to say anything – mostly because you know it's not going to be taken seriously as "assault" anyway. Where a woman's value is constantly and relentlessly equated to her aesthetics, or the long-standing and outdated perception of female beauty.
Luckily #MeToo has provided a mouthpiece for change – and many of these things are being tackled. I've grown the courage to challenge a man in a pub who makes a remark as I walk past, or to call out any stranger who touches any part of my body in a public space, unprovoked.
But so much has not changed. For the most part, I'm terrified of travelling home alone at night. I've been known to run the 4 minute walk from my tube station to my house. I'm petrified of being raped. I'm scared that one day my effort to talk back to a man's inappropriate comment will result in me being assaulted. I'm scared of maybe bringing future daughters up in this space too – where women for the most part still live in fear. It's 2019 and I can't walk home alone without fear. I can't walk home without constantly checking over my shoulder.
The thing that's worried me even more about this is the reaction some men will still have to this topic. Usually it's "that's awful, but I'm not one of those men. You can't paint everyone with the same brush." And that's not all bad – it's amazing to hear that most men hold respect for women. But I wonder what these men are doing when their friends aren't showing the same respect? How many men can honestly say they'd speak up if one of their mates was bragging about sleeping with a woman who was really drunk? Or would voice their disapproval when they hear another man using disrespectful, sexually-loaded language to describe a woman's appearance? Or would call another man out for making an inappropriate remark to a woman in a bar?
For the record: I do not hate men. Some men are really great men. And I agree to some extent that you can't paint everyone with the same brush. I feel extremely blessed to be in a relationship with a man who holds the utmost respect for women. Who has always made sure I get home safe, while acknowledging how unfair it is that I should even have to worry about this part of my life. Who – had he got a place – would have donated his London Marathon fundraising to an FGM charity (heart emoji!).
But you can't ignore facts – and it's not my fault that the overwhelming majority of rape crimes are men attacking women.
In order to conquer this horrible, terrifying issue, I truly believe men need to start challenging other men. Respect needs to become normalised across the board. Toxic masculinity needs to be erased. Not doing anything about sexism is just as unhelpful as sexism itself. Not being part of the problem is great, but how about channelling that energy into checking yourself and those around you instead? Sexism isn't just the result of peoples' actions, it's the result of their inactions too.
An analogy that might be useful here: Pizza Express. Imagine someone goes to Pizza Express in Liverpool Street, enjoys a plate of carbonara, but then comes down with food poisoning 24hrs later. The first thing they would do is probably call Pizza Express Liverpool Street, report the issue and alert them to a problem with their ingredient supply. They might then tell their friend, who would probably agree with their decision to contact Pizza Express directly. The friend probably would not shout at them, because their local Pizza Express in Wandsworth is fine and they've never had any problems after eating the carbonara. They wouldn't accuse them of painting every Pizza Express with the same brush because they had a bad experience in Pizza Express Liverpool Street. They'd probably acknowledge the fact that there was indeed a problem with the ingredient supply at Pizza Express Liverpool Street, and perhaps even alert Pizza Express Wandsworth of the issue to ensure that it doesn't repeat across the board, at more than one Pizza Express venue.
The same goes for sexism. Spending time defending your own intentions and beliefs is okay, but it's not as useful as doing something about the problem – men and women included. Instead of telling a woman you're not part of the problem, take a moment to check yourself, your actions, your friends' actions, the bravado of your colleagues and other people around you – and see if they're morally aligned with your own beliefs. See if they're respecting women in the same way you do.
Until respect is mutual and boys are brought up knowing categorically that disrespect, lewd comments, sexualised remarks, inappropriate touching etc (the list goes on) are not appropriate ways to behave around women... the problem of sexism will never be erased.
