Mother's Day without a mum

By Charlea - Sunday, March 15, 2015


Mother's Day without a mum. Now there's a sentence I never thought I would be saying! Reality, and the trajectory of life has altered so dramatically since I wrote this post last June, that I really felt it was time for some good old fashioned writer's therapy. If you've had enough of me penning my thoughts and experiences of grief, then just look away now - your opinion isn't relevant here anyway.

Mum: it's been 10 months - can you even believe that? All that time ago last Mother's Day, I couldn't imagine myself ever being in this place. The "after" bit was just a big, fuzzy, uncertain scramble. I didn't know where I'd be, how I'd be, what I'd be doing next Mother's Day. All I knew is that I wouldn't have you around for it.

I've always tried to make Mothers Day special for you, because you made every other day of the year so special for us. Jack and I always used to make you burnt toast and soggy cereal in bed, or pick you some last minute daffodils (and ruin your flower beds in the process) to make you feel a bit special. Even when you were ill, this didn't change. I baked you pies, I made cakes, I bought you special presents - that bracelet you wore until the end; I still have my one. Mother's Day was always our thing, and I couldn't have imagined it being another way.

Until this year. My senses are heightened to the mass consumer onslaught of advertising, sales and content all centred around how we should spoil our Mums this Sunday. Even at work, I've written blog after blog urging loyal customers to splash £70 on a necklace for their Mother Hen. The pub opposite my flat is offering a Mother's Day special; even Sainsburys is in on the game with strategically placed chocolates interrupting my lunch break dash. It's everywhere, and there's no other way to put it: it's sh*t.

However it did get me thinking (now there's a miracle). Just like Christmas, and exactly like Valentine's Day - why does it all focus on the day? Why should there be this one, clear-cut moment when we're all supposed to shower our Mum in love and presents? Shouldn't we be doing this everyday? Aside from the endless meals, aside from the nappy changes and even aside from the life advice - she did push you out, which y'know was pretty painful and also a pretty big reason to your existence. Be grateful for that every day. You're the only person who knows what her heart sounds like from the inside, after all.

I can't aptly put into words the pain that twinges every now and then when I suddenly remember that I am mother-less. It's those moments, when I'm in Paperchase buying a pen and everyone else is buying a card, that I suddenly remember how different my life is now. I try to fight it as best I can, but it's always there ebbing away - waiting to surface. Subsequently, I've been absolutely dreading this Mother's Day. I'm feeling the absence of that bunch of daffodils, poorly cooked breakfast and weekend baking. I'm feeling the absence of not being able to show my appreciation to the person I love the most. 

Except, it's not as absent as it sounds. For me, Mother's Day is every day. As each day goes by I remember something new about her, and I get to appreciate and be thankful for her all over again. I don't feel the pressure to show her my love on one specific day of the year; I get to do it every single day. As a wise person once said, your fingerprints will never fade from the lives you've touched. And Mum, yours are etched on my life.

This Mother's Day? I'll be writing you a message and sending it up to the sky. I hope you're there to read it. I hope I'm making you proud.

All my love forever. X 



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