Mother's Day without a mum. Now there's a sentence I never thought I would be saying! Reality, and the trajectory of life has altered so dramatically since I wrote this post last June, that I really felt it was time for some good old fashioned writer's therapy. If you've had enough of me penning my thoughts and experiences of grief, then just look away now - your opinion isn't relevant here anyway.
Mum: it's been 10 months - can you even believe that? All that time ago last Mother's Day, I couldn't imagine myself ever being in this place. The "after" bit was just a big, fuzzy, uncertain scramble. I didn't know where I'd be, how I'd be, what I'd be doing next Mother's Day. All I knew is that I wouldn't have you around for it.
I can't aptly put into words the pain that twinges every now and then when I suddenly remember that I am mother-less. It's those moments, when I'm in Paperchase buying a pen and everyone else is buying a card, that I suddenly remember how different my life is now. I try to fight it as best I can, but it's always there ebbing away - waiting to surface. Subsequently, I've been absolutely dreading this Mother's Day. I'm feeling the absence of that bunch of daffodils, poorly cooked breakfast and weekend baking. I'm feeling the absence of not being able to show my appreciation to the person I love the most.
Except, it's not as absent as it sounds. For me, Mother's Day is every day. As each day goes by I remember something new about her, and I get to appreciate and be thankful for her all over again. I don't feel the pressure to show her my love on one specific day of the year; I get to do it every single day. As a wise person once said, your fingerprints will never fade from the lives you've touched. And Mum, yours are etched on my life.
This Mother's Day? I'll be writing you a message and sending it up to the sky. I hope you're there to read it. I hope I'm making you proud.
All my love forever. X
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