It's been a bad week.
On Monday evening, I found myself subsiding into an unstoppable tear shower. This was a partial product of my rotten cold, spending the entire day alone in my flat applying for jobs, and tiredness following a particularly gruelling workout session. However, upon further reflection, it appeared that my sudden, unexpected and irrational outburst of tears and whingeing could be yet another wave of grief passing over my heavy heart.
This really made me think. It's been four months since my mum passed away, and a lot has happened in that time: I've finished and got my degree (2:1 booyeah), moved to London to try and launch my career, and less importantly, learned how to make a healthy cauliflower crust pizza (obv an essential recipe). Surely I should be so busy with all the new that I don't have time to think and mourn any more? Hadn't I done by grieving by now, in summer's tangle of funeral preparations, time at home with my family, and Mum's birthday celebrations? Surely four months on, I should be okay?
And that's where this blog post comes in. I don't know how many people reading this have experienced the loss of a close family member or friend, but I thought it was about time I shared my personal journey in order to help others see - you are NOT alone, and you are NOT weird because you feel a certain way.
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| My beautiful Mummy, Helen Louise Glanville |
And thus comes the first and most important rule of grief...
1. Feel it all
I've been told that it's completely and utterly normal to be more up and down than the weather in England's summer, but still there is some stigma of it being "weird" to have soaring and dipping emotions. Newsflash, it's not weird. If you feel like crying, cry until you feel a little lighter and relieved of pent-up emotion. If you want to laugh, laugh like a mad person. Never feel crazy for acting or being exactly how you feel like being. And also never feel guilty to your departed for being happy after their death. In the first few weeks, I would often feel guilty for laughing and enjoying myself with friends - as there's another stigma there of "well shouldn't she be an emotional wreck all the time because she's just lost her mum?" The reality here is that as much as you wish it wouldn't, life has to go on, and the chances are that your loved one would want to see you happy. Releasing every emotion - no matter what kind - is one of the crucial steps to healing. Opinions be damned; do and feel EVERYTHING.
2. Retail therapy
OK so retail therapy is probably only my medicine of choice, but the point here is how important it is to look after yourself. I find happiness in new clothes that make me feel confident and look nice (I'm a total fashion victim, I admit it), and so in the wake of my Mum's passing I would often go on crazy spending sprees for new garments. A lot of family and friends would worry about this, but the motivation behind doing so is so crucial. In a time when I was sad and heavy much of the time, the arrival of a nice dress would give me an instant pickmeup and a little drop of happiness. Moreso when I wore said new dress to a social occasion and was showered with positive comments. Similarly, I had my hair lightened to try out a new look. This was all part of my medicine, giving me droplets of joy every now and then, and that is crucial. To me, feeling good on the outside helped to bring some feelgood to the inside. So go wild. Buy yourself that new book, redecorate your bedroom, get a manicure, have a bath every day - do whatever you want. It's finally time to think about you, so just do it. (NB probably good to have some spending budget - after all, debt and grief is just not cool)
3. Talk
I don't do this (or probably any of my own suggestions to be honest) enough, and it really is important. TALK. To anyone who will kindly lend their ears, time and tiredness to your droning. "They're only really gone once you stop talking about them" - so talk about them as much as you want to. In my experience, this also makes it feel as if your lost one is still with you somewhere...
4. Denial
This is hard to write, as this has been one of the worst parts of my grief. For a long time I was in denial that Mum had actually gone. This was partially because unfortunately I was not present at the moment of death, and also because I went back to uni too soon after her passing. It did not sink in, and inevitably this came crashing down around me. I moved back home in the summer, expecting her to be there sat in her chair for a hug, and she wasn't. It's too difficult to describe how this made me feel, but it also taught me that denial is not a good coping mechanism. As sad and horrible as it is, you have to accept the loss in practical terms. Although it's comforting, not much good can come in the long run from pretending someone is still there when they aren't. Don't set yourself up for this fall like I did.
5. Snail pace
Take all the time you need. If you don't feel ready for life - be it a job, returning to school or moving house, don't do it yet. There's no rules, no set structure as to how you're meant to feel and when. Nor should there be. This is vital to me, four months in to my journey and feeling I should be more "over it" than I am. Absolutely not - I should be as "over it" as I want to feel. Again, there should be no stigma of guilt attached to mourning - be it a week or a year after the loss of your loved one - and if anyone reading this carries this prerequisite attitude, I suggest they erase it immediately. The biggest thing I have learned through my journey so far is how personal grief is. My dad, siblings and I all lost the same person, but we have all had very different experiences and emotions, and that is what sets our grief apart from each other. If you are on the other side of someone's grieving, let them move at their own pace. Do not force them into feeling more "ready" for things than they perhaps do. Similarly, don't make them feel guilty should they immediately feel ready to move on.
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Of course, there's so many other parts to grief than what I've described, but I hope the above points can help at least one person realise that they aren't alone in this, EVER. Take it from me - you're doing great.
For more information, try visiting http://www.cruse.org.uk/ where you can even arrange to speak with a bereavement counsellor to guide you through the process.
For more information, try visiting http://www.cruse.org.uk/ where you can even arrange to speak with a bereavement counsellor to guide you through the process.
PS. I love you Mummy, and I miss you more every single day. X
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